Dealing With Grief From An Unexpected Death
Dealing with grief is something that most individuals will sadly experience throughout their lives. The fact is death and loss is such a natural part of our human nature, but how do you deal with the unnatural, unexpected and sudden death of a loved one?
This matter is something very personal to me. Throughout my life I have unfortunately experienced many types of loss, starting from a very young age when I unexpectedly lost my cousin to sudden death; having to process and understand such shocking news at a young age definitely had its effects on me. It brought a lot of uncertainty and anxiety into my life around the fear of loosing someone else so unforeseen. Which I painfully had to go through again with the loss of my grandfather a few years later. Furthermore the week after my eighteenth birthday I got the news that one of my friends had passed away. This shocked me and was genuinely something I never in a million years thought I would have to experience.
Sometimes the seat beside me feels more and more empty and I notice that a bit of my heart is missing. It hurts to know that the empty seat will always be there, a seat at my college graduation, a seat at my wedding and a seat after the birth of my children. Now nearly two years on from my most recent and most difficult loss, I am still processing all my emotions and my journey with grief is ongoing.
These are some of my experiences from dealing with the grief of an unexpected death…
Grief Has No Timeframe or Ending Point
I wish I could tell you that you will wake up one day and your grief will just be gone, but sadly this is not the case. Grief doesn’t just go away, it gets easier, you learn how to deal with it and learn the way you personally process grief.
If I could talk to myself a year ago, I would tell her that the pain and hurt you feel right now will turn into love for the memories and gratitude for the time you spent together. I still suffer from extremely bad days dealing with grief, somedays I want to crawl up in bed due to the idea that having to go through a day knowing they’re not here feels impossible.
I have days where even a mention of any of my deceased loved ones can cause me to get upset, but I also have really good days when all I want to do is talk about them, share stories and memories, look at photos, watch their favourite movies and eat their favourite foods and those are the days you recall how special life is and how you know that everything you do in life is for them.
One day you will come to realise that grief is really just love with nowhere to go, so I think it’s beautiful how I always carry a bit of grief with me.
There Is No “normal” Way To Grieve
Grief is a personal journey you engage in. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Within your journey you will experience many different scenarios and emotions. During the early stages of grief I actually felt physical hurt and discomfort and the only way I was able to describe it was that my “heart just hurt”. I was experiencing so much sorrow and upset that my body started to physically react, my acne was starting to flare up again, my periods were late, and I had issues with sleeping due to nightmares. It was the first time I ever experienced memory loss and confusion when it came to my studies and being in my Leaving Cert year, this was unbelievably stressful for me.
My friendships were affected, people found it so hard to talk to me they didn’t know what to say or they didn’t want me to be upset if they did approach the topic, so they stayed quiet and I felt like they didn’t care. I hated when people would talk about my relationships with them using the past tense, for me the relationships never ended, they are ongoing. I have breakdowns in the oddest of places that are triggered by the most random things. I started crying in college one day because I smelt my friend’s perfume on a passerby. I find Christmas time very difficult, especially when it comes to Christmas television adverts that involve groups of friends or a grandfather and his grandkids.
Many Emotions Can Be Disguised As Grief
Overtime I came to learn many different emotions that you bear are actually grief in disguise. Anger and fear and anxiety were big ones for me.
I experienced anger at the world and used to take it out on my friends. I recall one time, I was speaking to a group of friends from my base class and they mentioned something about an event we could all go to in a few years time and I outright said “none of us will be in contact in the future”, which is such an out of character thing for me to say. I am always romantasing the future and discussing subjects like “when we are married our husbands and kids can be friends”, but on this day I was holding such a hatred for the world that I was negative and outright hurtful to my friends.
Be gentle on yourself, as I like to imagine them as the little emotions from Disney’s “Inside Out” are working overtime and are trying to help your body/mind combat and understand these changes too. You’ll come to find a new normal.
It Gets Better
During grief you feel as though your whole world has been turned upside down and in some ways it has, but you will come to find out that no one actually disappears, they will always live on within your heart. The seat beside me may feel more empty some days than others, but the seat can be filled with other things. At my graduation I will wear the jewellery I was left, at my wedding I will save special seats and my children will know all about you.
You will talk about them, heck you might even talk to them. I talk to mine every night before I go to sleep because I wholeheartedly believe that they can hear me. People want to hear about your loved ones and will be happy to talk to you about them.
There is support out there for individuals who are grieving. Remember you are never alone and your loved ones will forever be with you in your heart.
Resources:
– Pieta House- 1800 247 247- Text HELP to 51444
– Samaritans- 116 123 – jo@samaritians.ie
– Barnardos Helpline- 01 473 2110- https://www.barnardos.ie/
– Childline (under age of 18)- 1800 666 666